Friday, September 5, 2008

The Tale of the Twisted Claw (Season 1. Episode 4)

Ok, I'm back to regular blogging now. Hiatus over.

This episode is loosely based on a short story by W.W. Jacobs, The Monkey's Paw.

We begin in a darkened bedroom. A kid is sleeping under a green blanket. Cue smoke machine in closet. A hooded, cloaked figure creeps up to the sleeping kid. Uh oh!!


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Phew! It's only a dream. Ahh!! No it's not!!!

Meanwhile, back at the campfire, the Midnight Society scream and then starts to badger Eric about his tale. He claims to not know what happens. Cut the kid some slack. He's awkward as hell. The MS continue to gang up (a literal description for Kiki) on Eric. Finally, David is coerced into telling his tale.

And then the magic words...

"Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story..."

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Cue grinning Jack O'Lantern. OT: I am so freaking excited that Halloween is coming up. / OT
David voiceovers that it's the day before Halloween. Mischief night (We've always called it Goosie Night where I'm from. What do you call it?). The night of tricks. A prostitute comes by and smashes the pumpkin, Not really, but I wish. Too bad I wasn't holding a twisted claw as I said that (you'll get it later, don't worry).

A kid in a hoodie slinks up to the front door of a house. He rings the doorbell and runs away. He's then joined by a few other kids who proceed to TP trees and spray the car in the driveway with shaving cream. Well, I guess they never read this. If they had, they would know they fail at pranks. They're finally chased away by the owner of the house. Just a guess, but maybe they shouldn't have rang the fucking doorbell.

The merry pranksters move on and the group eventually dwindles down to two before chickening out of pranking an old creepy house. Witches are going to get them or some such nonsense. I'm bored already with this episode and I'm only 2 minutes and 53 seconds in.

So, the 2 boys names are Kevin and Dougie. Kevin is the braver one, David voiceovers. Thank you David. K & D decide to prank the scary house. This will end well, I'm sure. They have the shaving cream ready to spray onto the glass window of the front door, but of course the front door opens. The old lady gets a shaving cream facial.

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What's with this show and the ejaculation imagery?

The old woman stumbles backwards into her house and into a vase, which falls to the floor and shatters. Uh oh. K & D shit their pants and run for their lives. The old woman, with shaving cream still on her face, stands on the porch and laughs her evil witch laugh.

We then cut to a living room scene, complete with bratty kid and inattentive newspaper-reading father in an armchair. Mom comes in and informs Dougie that Kevin is here. She seems impressed by Kev's costume. He's a bum. I guess the kid never read Ironweed. Dougie is pissed off at Kevin's costume. He's kind of a dick. Of course, it wouldn't be an AYAOTD episode without preadolescent dickery.

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D&K walk by the scary house from the night before. The old woman's name is Miss Clove, and they decide to pay her a visit. She's batshit insane and invites them inside. She claims no one has ever come to her house before. I (don't)wonder why.

She promises to give them a special treat and leaves the room. Let's keep our fingers crossed that the ejaculation imagery does not make an appearance in the upcoming scenes. She returns with a box containing a vulture claw. She claims it's made of wood and whoever gets it will get three wishes. K&D are intrigued and debate the rules of the wishes with Miss Batshit Insane (BSI). They want candy instead, but Miss BSI refuses to let them leave without the vulture claw. She then tells them to be careful what they wish for. It just might come true. Ominous.

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It might just be me, but Miss BSI's accent has changed at least 6 times since she first appeared. Annoying.

Once outside, Dougie says he wishes trick-or-treating was over. The claw moves. Kevin is having none of Dougie's bullshit. He wants more candy.

Cue dangerous suburban hoodlum teens around a bonfire. We know they are dangerous because one just climbed halfway up a fence then jumped down.

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The teens want K&D's candy. Kevin tells them he worked all night for it. Hello prostitution / pimp metaphor! There's a struggle over the candy bags, complete with a weird masked man.

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I told you they were dangerous.

K&D manage to escape with some of their candy, but the dangerous suburban gang follow them. On bikes. I bet they also steal their parent's cigarettes and pretend to inhale.

Cut to K&D standing in garbage cans. Way to hide, kids. The main street maniacs will never find you there. K&D realize that Dougie's accidental wish came true. Trick-or-Treating is over.

Next day. Middle school hallway. Bad 90s fashion. Hey remember when we all wore signs to school?

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No? Oh. Me either.

Insert plot furthering discussion about childhood aspirations, a popular douchey kid named Bostick (see sign above), field day, and the 600 meter race.

Kevin actually holds the fucking claw up in the middle of the crowded hallway and makes a wish. I hope Bostick kicks his ass.

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Ok. Field day time. I hope you'll forgive me if I rush through this part, even though nothing say exciting like a middle school athletic competition. Here's the basics: a chubby man with a bull horn, running, sweat, high fives, obligatory kid in wheelchair, anal rape by vulture claw, huge white dog comes out of nowhere and attacks Bostick, Kevin wins race. Ok maybe one of those things aren't completely true. That's right. You guessed it. The dog was BLACK not WHITE.

Bostick has a broken leg. Kevin is distraught. The dog is nowhere to be found.

Back at the campfire. Filler. Explanations for the slow amongst us. David, King of Exposition Land, tells us that Dougie's parents went to dinner later that night and Kevin came over with his gold medal. Way to be humble there, kid.

Cut to Dougie's house. Prepubescent arguing in full swing. Kevin doesn't want the parents to find out about what's happening. He thinks they can handle it themselves. That's for you, Ann M. Martin.

Oh shit! Kevin, holding the vulture claw of course, says to Dougie,"I wish you'd just lose your folks!" I think you know what's coming.

Phone rings! (Possibly) Dead parents on line 5! Ok, by now you'd think that they would be a little more careful about their vocabulary when holding the vulture claw. Further more, why are they always holding the claw in the first place?

Of course, they don't learn their lesson, as Dougie hold the claw and utters, "I wish Grandpa was here." Cue the old man car creeping up the foggy road with dead grandfather inside. Kevin says, and I chuckle, "I don't want to meet no ghost!" The boys fight over the claw.

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The doorbell rings, but Dougie chooses to leave his dearly departed grandpa on the porch as Kevin grabs the claw and wishes everything away.

Dougie finally goes to open the door. It's only his parents. They forgot their keys. Likely. Mom offers ice cream, which they apparently keep in the fridge. WTF? K&D realize that everything that happened no longer happened because of the last wish. Then the doorbell rings. Sitting on the porch is a vase from Miss BSI. So clever.

David then voiceovers that all K&D could hear was the sound of the wind in the trees, or was it the cackling of a sly witch? Yeah, make up your mind David.

THE END


Rating: 3 teenage gang members out of 5

In Summation: The Tale of the Twisted Claw is an obvious meditation on the hard-knock life of a prostitute.

Coming soon: a very special entry.
Be prepared.

8 comments:

colleenn said...

I can still hear Dougie in my head whining "You're a bum?! You'e a bum every year!"

When I got to high school and read The Monkey's Paw in English class, I was like "this was so the plot of an Are You Afraid of the Dark episode!!!" but since pretty much none of my friends had grown up with cable, no one knew what I was talking about.

anti-laci said...

such a rip off of the monkey's paw.


although spraying the old witch lady in the face with shaving cream was pretty funny

Anonymous said...

update?

Anonymous said...

So I guess the author died then. Shame.

オテモヤン said...

オナニー
逆援助
SEX
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

Zozo said...

hey where'd you go? I just found this blog today and I'm laughing so hard.
come back and write more

Zeebo said...

this blog is jokes, why did it stop? actually find a blog worth reading and the damn thing's over? yes please come write more, at least finish the first season.. :)

areyouafraid said...

This is good blog.

Are you afraid of the dark